


Smile

by CassiaVioletBlue



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 11:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16325561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassiaVioletBlue/pseuds/CassiaVioletBlue
Summary: Personal.I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to post personal stuff on here as it's neither a story nor for a fandom nor..anything really. Just me trying to cope.





	1. Chapter 1

It‘s strange how a smile can hurt more than an actual wound.

It doesn‘t matter if its the smile you get when someone laughs about you, the mean, cold kind of smile that slices like shards through all of your defenses right into your heart.

Or the one that‘s not really meant in a bad way, that‘s just the awkward little thing people do when they don‘t know how to react, when their eyes say „What the fuck“ and it doesn‘t make a difference if its directed to something in particular (a personal story you just told, something you did, something you have on your body like a scar) or your whole being – it just hurts. Because it‘s like a sign telling you „You‘re different. You‘re not like us. You‘re not like you should be“ And isn‘t that what we all want, belonging to something or someone feeling accepted?

Sometimes I curse biology, i want to cut all the instincts and needs and protection measures that I‘ve learned over the years out of my DNA to be free from all of this. But I stumble right back into the same shit every time. I guess at the core it comes down to one single thing: Wanting to be loved.

And I‘m still not sure if it‘s pathetic or healthy or normal or disgusting to not be able to turn it off. But I‘m getting off the point. Smiles. It amazes me how people are able to smile in so many ways. Even I can smile, no matter if my heart is bleeding – or my body. Put on a smile and people will think you‘re okay. I should be thankful that I‘m able to pull it off so easily (I had years to perfect it) but instead it just hurts.

I want someone to see through me, to tell me ‚I‘m sorry you‘re hurting‘ Hell, I even want that fucking cliche of someone telling me ‚it‘s gonna be fine‘ Even though it‘s a lie. Nothing is ever going to be fine. There will always be hurt and failure and pain. And some people are just better situated than others. They have family or a life that‘s so far away from all of this, always staying on the sunny side so that they can‘t even imagine what it‘s like to cry yourself to sleep, to feel like you‘re unable to take another fucking second because you feel like you‘re choking on the pain. And I admire them. I envy them. I hate them for their fucking privilege, not sure if I wish for them to stay in their beautiful bubble forever (for their own sake) or to get a glimpse of the darkness just once so that they can finally understand.

I guess in the end it doesn‘t matter. There‘s no one who can pull me out of this but myself. And I‘m too broken to do so, have been for a long time now.

So I do the only thing I can.

I smile.


	2. Life

Life

Ask a random woman where I live what the perfect life would look like to her the answer you get would be something like this:

Go to school for as long as you need, graduate if you can, then find a man, get 2-3 children, be a full time mum, maybe grow your own vegetables or sell your own marmalade at the market every Wednesday. And that‘s about it.

They look genuinely happy at this prospect of their future and while there's nothing wrong with that I can't.. I just can't understand.

I always nod and smile and tell them how cute their children are if it comes to family talk. But if I would be honest I would ask them how they could be so cruel to bringing children into this fucked up world. I can‘t understand how you can force another being to go through all this shit, the endless, endless circle of forced routine and stupidity.

You are told that you need go to school during your ‚best years‘ of childhood so that you can get a good job later. Jokes on you because wile grades might limit your access to academic possibilities being good in school means absolutely nothing apart from the fact that you can adapt and give them what they want.

„Real life“ doesn‘t ask for that. It asks for money and connections and maybe a ton of luck. Like being lucky enough to not have any health issues. Or not having a fucked up family. Or not running into the wrong people. Cause as soon as your damaged you‘re fucked.

And then you get a job that you don’t like so that you can pay rent in a city you don’t like and live a life that seems so absolutely fucking pointless that the only reason you’re still here is pure apathy.

How can people go on and be actually _happy_ about it?

I just don't get it.

 

 


End file.
